This post isn’t planned at all, and probably won’t be cheery and helpful. I just need to talk about some things. I don’t want or expect pity for this, I really just need to put this out somewhere. Sorry for not posting a proper post this week, I’ve lost a lot of motivation and I’m trying to put what’s left of it into college work (even though I’m 100% sure I’m going to fail my course by now).
For anyone who doesn’t know, I’m a transgender girl. And to be very honest, I hate saying that. I’m ashamed of that, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
Dysphoria has been particularly bad recently. Of course, it’s never easy, but for the past few weeks it has completely drained me.
It started with a few slip-ups with pronouns that got to me a lot. I understand slip-ups, and of course I’m never upset at anyone who does misgender me, but it really really affects me. Because I’m not out to any of my family, I can’t present femininely, and of course I look completely male to anyone talking to/about me, and I know no one is calling me “he” to be malicious in any way, I’m surrounded by so many accepting and lovely people who completely respect me and I’m so grateful for that. However, I feel like these little instances have added up and triggered a little fear in the back of my head- I’m scared that no one perceives me as a girl, and regardless, they will never see me as anything other than my ‘old identity’, which I’m going to use as an alternative phrase for male because I can’t bring myself to even type that out and describe myself that way because if you can’t tell from this post already, I’m weak as fuck.
So, I worried for a while that I’d never fit in, and that I’d never be seen as Eden, who I am. Ridiculous right? Not exactly. I felt like I was finally getting over this fear and starting to own myself a little bit more when I started to get anonymous messages with my birth name in, because apparently that’s funny to someone and they get a kick out of it? Who knows, but regardless, that was something that completely threw me and to be honest, terrified me. I didn’t know what that person would do with my birth name (full name, surname too), and I knew it could easily be a stick to beat me with. I hate that name, it makes me feel sick. I don’t want anyone to know that that word was ever associated with me, I don’t even want to know of it. And someone was sending me that to let me know that they saw me that way. I obviously can’t blame someone else for my self image and mental health issues that surround it but that really fucked me up. Not going to discuss this anymore because after getting a message from them about my ED awareness week posts too, I know they might be reading this.
That aside, I just haven’t felt at home in my body at all. Not that I usually do, but recently I feel completely disconnected. I feel like when I do anything, it’s not me. For example, if I walk about, it just feels like someone else is moving me. I feel like someone else is typing this for me. I don’t recognise ‘me’ in the mirror. I spoke to my counsellor, and he said I should try to find more feminine clothing and ways of presenting but to be completely honest, that idea terrifies me. I always pretend I don’t care about people’s judgement, but there’s no way I could go out and purchase or even look at feminine things without worrying what people around me would think. I look completely male, and it hurts, but I don’t have the guts to change it, and whatever happens, I can’t see myself ever being happy with my body.
This is starting to get in the way of everything. I can’t focus on anything in college, and although surprisingly I haven’t missed any days because of this, getting myself in in the mornings is such a struggle. I hate saying things like that, because other people have it so much worse and I’m grateful that things are this (relatively) good for me, but I wake up every day exhausted and just stare at myself in the mirror and I feel like I’m not there. I wake up and worry about everything that makes me look male, and how others will think of me for it. I’m terrified. I want to talk to someone at college (aside from my counsellor, who is really helpful and I’m endlessly grateful for) just to apologise and let them know that I’m struggling just so I don’t come across as lazy and ungrateful for being unproductive but I’m so tired of bothering people with my problems. I don’t want to be a burden to my tutors, and it’s pointless to hassle them when I’m clearly not getting any better at dealing with this.
One of the most difficult things for me recently was a dream I had on Wednesday night. I’ve been trying my hardest recently to face the fact that I’m going to have to come out to my parents soon, and I saw some things that were building my confidence in the tiniest bit. Then I woke up on Thursday and cried for about half an hour as I got ready for college. I dreamt that I’d come out to my parents, and while my mum was completely supportive, my dad’s ‘reaction’ broke me. Although I don’t think he’d actually react so negatively, and I know it wasn’t real, it’s still a possible outcome of coming out and it hurt me so much. He denied it a lot, and told me “you’ll always be [birth name] to me”, and it just brought back the fear of always being perceived that way that I mentioned at the start of this post.
I’m just so tired of this. I don’t want to wake up disconnected from the body I’m in and living a lie (unless I’m in college where I’m terrified of how people see me anyway). It just never stops, I’m constantly battling myself and I’d do anything for it to stop (apart from coming out to my parents apparently because I’ve never been more scared of anything in my life, oops).
I’m going to stop oversharing now, I need to save this shit for counselling sessions. To sum up, I hate myself. I really really do, and I don’t know what to do to help it anymore. Sorry for sounding so whiny and sensitive. Talking about this helped a little. I might be back to posting normally next week, I’m really not sure what’s going to happen. I’m really sorry.